12 Years

12 amazing years

Assalammaulaikum and hello hai there, thank you for clicking in here. For first timer, welcome to my humble blog, aka my world, my words, and my everything. On your right, you may choose my old talks as well. In here, you may jumpa or maybe kenal I little bit jugak, sebab I do share alot during my highschool. BUT PLEASE jangan stalk too far because, I never delete whatever I posted 😝

Harini, I would like to share with you guys about today. Today is my 12 years without my loving father with me. I sendiri tak tahu nak start dari mana and share macam mana.. As above mentioned, this is my words, and everything in here wrote with thousands of feelings from me.. I would like to say sorry kalau banyak typo or anything.. Kalau you are not interested, do leave my page :)

To be honest, I don't know where to begin when this kind of moment...A moment where everything come back crystal clear. The date, the feelings, the sadness... I don't know. Every year, I thought I can, I can live in this moment, like today as a normal day.. However I still can't.

I still being me, the same old me.. Ignoring my friends also everyone, who tried to comfort me..

..

 Thank you, for searching, calling, telling me how worthy am I in their life.. How beautiful life can be if we seek those beautiful life, because only we can change dark moment into something meaning full, with our will dan kerelaan atas sesuatu kehidupan...

12 beautiful years,

Those days past by,

All those wishes,

All those celebrations,

Every moment hoping you are here with us.

Knowing you are far,

But near to our hearts,

Hope you know too,

Our love never dies ..

I am still sad, and sometimes I can't even accept this moment too.. 

Truthfully ? I hated myself every second of it knowing nothing can changed but still hoping..

Hoping that he is still alive,

Hoping that he is proud of me,

Hoping that he can tell me,

Asking about my days,

Giving me advice about life..

Thanks to you dad, I learned that life is short and live my life with more love towards others.

But, I never know how to deal with this..

I am sorry for avoiding,

I am sorry for being away..

Personally I  don't know how to deal with this, because I'm not good at showing how in need am I..

Not everyone understand how tired am I having those words..

Doa banyak-banyak,

He is in a better place,

Kalau sayang sedekahkan Al-fatihah..

Can everyone just stop.. Giving those words.. They help nothing..

I wondered myself, am I moving on from this moment ? Because I never did, here am I telling you, my scars toward every 22/11 never healed.. And never will.. 

Because I lost my dad when I was 10..

He an amazing father that never will be replaced..

Also forever will be loved by us..

I just cannot tell anyone about today,

like , 

"Hey! Today is my Birthday"

and everyone started to wish and pray for the best .. 

But today cannot be unknown to me too..

Aren't that sad? I don't want anyone giving me speeches on moving on or remembering person that you love because for me they are just words.. 

Will they feels my lost ?

My pain ?

My sadness ?

For 12 years, I still can not overcome my feelings.. 

But I am lucky,

because I have strong hearted mother, 

loving siblings and friends.. 

It just ME.. 

I'm not good showing my emotions,

putting my words, 

showing my love too..

never good enough..

I am sorry..

It just today.. 

beautiful 12 years..